The one choice we will never have is whether we will die. Eventually, it will happen and we are guaranteed it will happen successfully. That does not mean we will do it with grace, willingness, wisdom, or purpose, but it will, in fact, happen successfully.
We recently set up hospice care for my mother-in-law. I am not new to the exposure of a dying loved one. I have so much respect for the kindness and service of hospice. What I was not anticipating was a woman and a family so unwilling to accept what was unfolding that it became its’ own tragedy. This family became a force of denial, darkness, and at points an absurdity that started feeling like a dark comedy.
My mother-in-law says, ”Don’t say goodbye when you visit; it stresses me. Just walk away or tell me you will see me later.” My father-in-law says, “She is fine, but I don’t know why she keeps thinking about dying?”
Anything that became a reflection of the reality before them was terrifying. It is nearly impossible to soothe those who refuse to see. If you spend your life trying so hard not to see or really be here, how can you see and accept the exit? It was so difficult to bear witness to such a degree of unnecessary suffering. Not only was no one able to say goodbye or address their grief with her, but she did not allow herself to say goodbye to anyone.
In stark contrast, during this time, I also experienced the death of a friend who not only faced death, but also embraced it with a radiant presence and profound connection. He became larger than life. His life was devoted to spiritual guidance, revolutionary thought, ecstatic prayer, service and expansiveness. His teachings and his actions were inspirational and life changing. He died peacefully. His last words to his wife the night before were, “I think my work here is done.”
I have experienced a lot of death in my lifetime; oddly, it is something that has become comfortable, I have come to think of myself, at times, as a midwife to death.
Witnessing loved ones die is never an easy task. We don’t want to let go. They don’t want to let go. And yet, choice is taken. Death is the ultimate sense of powerlessness and loss of control. The body fights; it’s our instinct to survive.
So, it brings to question: what is it to die successfully? Do we need to live successfully so we can leave this world with a bit of grace and connection?
I know there is no simple formula; life and death are way too complicated for that. I do, however, believe there is a way to choose a successful life. There are ways to live that enable a more peaceful inner path. We all want happiness, a sense of well-being, and love.
Here are a few things I try to remember when I am feeling off -track:
Be Connected – to everything: people, our earth, the moment, all sentient beings, our bodies, our minds…we need one another; we cannot live a life of isolation.
Be of Service – you can reduce stress when you focus on someone other than yourself. It interrupts those stuck old brain patterns and allows new information to come through. It also provides a chance for you to remember that you are important and can make a difference.
Be Humorous – Laugh at Yourself – humor can go a long way. Life is too short to take everything so seriously.
Be Mindful – pay attention to what is in front of you NOW….beauty and awe is always available to us; we just need to remember to notice it.
Be Embodied – this body you have is so brief; experience it; be IN it; enjoy it.
Be Compassionate – we need to bring loving-kindness to self and others; to actively understand the pain of others and self brings a gentle kindness and keeps life in perspective.
I think from time to time we need to be reminded. It’s amazing how simple it all is and how complicated we can make it. I wish for all of us a successful life and when the inevitable time of death is near, may it come with ease and grace. May we all be so lucky at that moment to look back and peacefully say, “I think my work here is done.”